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This is what people title their artworks when they can't come up with anything clever or poetic.  Even when they have created something meaningful and beautiful.  This is how I feel right now.  Not that what I am feeling is beautiful, but there is so much going on in my mind right now that I can't even be clever or poetic... or beautiful.

The past few weeks have been very difficult.  I don't know if it is a late case of PPD (which can happen, doesn't always occur immediately after birth) or if it is just a normal case of life in my world, since I haven't always had the most stable mind.  Last night was the first time I made it to the gym in two and a half weeks.  Because I made myself make time for myself, hoping it would make me feel better, I didn't end up eating dinner until 9 pm and still ended the night in tears.  They always say how your life changes when you have a baby, but you don't know how much until you have one.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my little girl more than anything in the world.  More than I thought I could love anything or anyone ever, really, which is why when I'm feeling sad and then she looks at me and smiles I start to cry because I feel guilty for feeling sad when such a wonderful thing has graced my presence.

Here's my life right now:
I'm waiting for vermin to invade my house because we have no time to clean because between an insane dog and a very attached baby (attache to my hip, pretty much all day and night when I'm home), our lives are consumed until bed time.
I have almost given up on trying to lose weight even though I hate myself when I look in the mirror and long for the person I was before.
I have spend zero time alone with my husband, which makes it hard to feel like a wife again instead of just a mother.
I feel sometimes like I am losing touch with all of my friends because the ones that are here have nothing in common with having a baby (which is pretty much all I have to talk about currently).
The one person who I want to talk to, I haven't talked to for about two years now.  I occasionally still miss her friendship and long for it back even though I know it would never be the same.  But there isn't anyone else I know who has ever been there for me during tough times like she was.

Needless to say, I feel like I have lost myself and I am trying to figure it all out.

Two Miles

Saturday brought both good and bad things... First, the bad was that I gained another 1.2 lbs this past week.  Which makes it 1.8 lbs total in the past two weeks.  I was not really proud of myself when I weighed in, but I am working hard this week to stay on track.  Second, because of this bad weigh in I was extra motivated to get to the gym and work hard.  When I got to the Y and on a treadmill, I told myself I would jog slow until I really felt the need to stop and walk.  Remember, I've been doing intervals all month.  So I start to jog and it didn't feel too bad so I decided I would try and make it at least one mile of straight jogging.  The time ticked by and I still wasn't feeling too bad after a mile, so I thought, Why not? Let's make it two.  I have to admit that at that moment I didn't have a lot of faith in myself but I still kept going and I ended up jogging two miles straight.  They were 12 minute miles, so I wasn't going too fast and I can still work on improving the time, but my ultimate short term goal to reach by the end of January was to run 3 miles straight.  If I keep jogging at this pace, I'll have to up the ante!  All I can say is that despite the small weight gain, I am really proud of myself and I am beginning to believe I might be able to achieve my running goals after all!

Facing the Facts

I have been avoiding posting all week.  Partly because I usually have to type it one handed (because I'm usually holding Josie in my other arm while doing it) and that takes twice as long to type... Oh and because I haven't had many good things to say.  I weighed in at WW Saturday morning and was up .6 lbs.  I know this is not a lot, but it is in the wrong direction!  I try not to be too hard on myself.  Last week was an off week for me.  My schedule was all wacky because of fall break and conferences.  I was at school basically all day on Tuesday, until 8:30 and then I worked full days both Wednesday and Thursday because they were work/staff development days.  So I didn't have any free time to work out and my food schedule was off.  I had Friday off of work, but I had to keep Josie home from daycare (that's a whole other story), and let's face it, nothing can get done when you have a baby.  I can't even really take her to the daycare at the Y because lately she'll even scream when Don takes her... she really loves her momma. 

On another note, I did finally go to the Y this week and ran intervals again.  It felt good and their treadmills didn't suck, which was my biggest fear about leaving Gold's (really Blue Moon Fitness, but it will always be Gold's to me).  I even got up to running 3 minutes, walking 2.  The last run I did was 4 minutes long.  I think I am improving faster than I thought.  My goal is to run for 30 minutes straight by the end of January. 

I have just been struggling with figuring out my daily schedule.  I have so many things going on in my brain regarding school and ideas for projects but I have no time to put anything together.  Plus, I have this artwork I need to finish for a show at Hot Shops on 11-11-11... time is running out!

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow, but I don't have high hopes. 

This blog has been very random, like the thoughts of a 5 year-old.  That's how I feel right now!

Sore!

For the first time in a long time, I'm sore.  And it feels good!

I haven't been to the gym since Sunday, but I had a work day at school Wednesday and ended up on my feet the whole day.  I was redoing the bulletin boards in my room which involved a lot of stepping up onto stools repeatedly and reaching with both arms stapling paper and posters.  Then on Thursday, because of a big wellness push at Millard, I took a Pilates class as part of our staff development.  Wow are my abs sore today!  Plus we walked to a nearby church for a practice evacuation and I went walking with Don, Josie, and Gracie.

As far as food goes, I've been doing alright.  There's been a lot of eating out, but yesterday when I went to Red Robin with some fellow teachers, I stuck to my guns and had a grilled chicken salad when everyone else had a burger/sandwich and fries.

Tomorrow is pictures with Josie and hopefully a trip to he gym.

Josie Jean

I just wanted to share a picture of the person who lights up my life, my daughter Josie.  She is the reason I am on this journey of weight loss and to be healthier in general.  I try not to blame her for my weight gain... That was my lack of self-control mixed with the hormones of pregnancy.  However, she motivates me to get myself back in shape because I want to be a role model for her.  I grew up in a house where no one really ever worked out or cared about eating healthy.  That's probably why I ended up overweight for so many years.  I want my kids to grow up in an active home and one where we care about what we put into our bodies (of course, with the occasional indulgence!).

I made it to the gym this morning and ran intervals on the treadmill.  Jogged for two and walked for two for a total of 35 minutes.  Man, can my legs feel it now!  Plus, my shoulders are sore from carrying around my lovely Josie all afternoon yesterday... since she didn't want to be held by anyone else at the baby shower!  Oh well, at least I know she thinks I'm the greatest :)

Yay!

It's finally Saturday... This week felt like it took forever. I had conferences on Thursday night from 4:30-8:30 and last night I had a staff party for school. So I didn't have a lot of time to work out this week, but I did get some walks in and another session of jogging/walking at the gym. Thankfully, I still lost 2.8 lbs this week! Which means I'm down 22 pounds total. This is exactly the motivation I need to keep on the path to reaching my goals.

Today I am going to Lincoln for a baby shower, and lunch beforehand. Of course, my only reader knows this because she will be there as well :) . This means I won't have time for a workout but I'm vowing to go to the gym tomorrow!

It's great to finally start seeing and feeling the changes. Yay for life!

The Dawn of A New Day

It's the first of the month and the beginning of a new goal. I vowed to go back to Weight Watchers this morning after not weighing in since September 3rd. Well, I went in without a lot faith but was pleasantly surprised. I was just hoping to break even, but I ended up with a 2.6 lb loss. This means I am only 15 pounds away from my 20 pound goal for Thanksgiving. I've lost a total of 19.2 since June and this morning was just more motivation to help me reach my goals.

I also went to the gym today. It was the second time I've been since having Josie. The first time was sometime in early August when I still had hopes this part time teaching job was going to give me the free time I need to get to the gym. It was really hard that first time around and I ended up mainly walking on the treadmill after a few failed attempts of jogging for a minute here and there. Today was a different story. I've been out and about walking with Don, Josie, and Gracie the past couple of months so my body has been getting used to more activity. On the treadmill today I ended up jogging for two minutes and walking for three for a total of 35 minutes. This was also after a walk with everyone this morning. The workout felt amazing and I'm hoping to keep it going throughout the week.

Here I Go Again...

I've been trying to post for about a week now and I'm finally getting around to it. Shows you how crazy life is right now!

Here's an update of what's going on...

I haven't weighed in at Weight Watchers for 3 weeks now. I'm committing to my return this Saturday, no matter how I feel. I'm hoping to get in a few walks this week while the weather is still nice and then on Saturday I'm going to start a new workout plan. After going out to breakfast yesterday morning and seeing all of the marathon/half-marathoners in their post run glow/sweat, I was motivated to go for a run. Unfortunately, I'm in no shape to do that but I'm making a plan to get back into shape.

My end goal, lofty, I know, is to train for the Omaha half-marathon next year. My short term goal is to train for a 5k (no particular race, just the distance). Once I reach that goal, I'll train for a 10k. I'm approximating about 4 months for each training goal. Hopefully I can find the support I need to reach this goal... Oh, I hope I can find the time as well. Wish me luck!