This is what people title their artworks when they can't come up with anything clever or poetic. Even when they have created something meaningful and beautiful. This is how I feel right now. Not that what I am feeling is beautiful, but there is so much going on in my mind right now that I can't even be clever or poetic... or beautiful.
The past few weeks have been very difficult. I don't know if it is a late case of PPD (which can happen, doesn't always occur immediately after birth) or if it is just a normal case of life in my world, since I haven't always had the most stable mind. Last night was the first time I made it to the gym in two and a half weeks. Because I made myself make time for myself, hoping it would make me feel better, I didn't end up eating dinner until 9 pm and still ended the night in tears. They always say how your life changes when you have a baby, but you don't know how much until you have one. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my little girl more than anything in the world. More than I thought I could love anything or anyone ever, really, which is why when I'm feeling sad and then she looks at me and smiles I start to cry because I feel guilty for feeling sad when such a wonderful thing has graced my presence.
Here's my life right now:
I'm waiting for vermin to invade my house because we have no time to clean because between an insane dog and a very attached baby (attache to my hip, pretty much all day and night when I'm home), our lives are consumed until bed time.
I have almost given up on trying to lose weight even though I hate myself when I look in the mirror and long for the person I was before.
I have spend zero time alone with my husband, which makes it hard to feel like a wife again instead of just a mother.
I feel sometimes like I am losing touch with all of my friends because the ones that are here have nothing in common with having a baby (which is pretty much all I have to talk about currently).
The one person who I want to talk to, I haven't talked to for about two years now. I occasionally still miss her friendship and long for it back even though I know it would never be the same. But there isn't anyone else I know who has ever been there for me during tough times like she was.
Needless to say, I feel like I have lost myself and I am trying to figure it all out.
